Circumference of the sun: 2,713,406 miles.

Circumference of Earth: 24,901 miles.

Average hiking speed is 2-3 miles per hour. Since these are going to be huge numbers and it is improbable that anyone would ever be able to set foot on the sun, or walk across an ocean, we are taking some liberties. The first one is average hiking speed. We will say 2.5 miles / hour.

Let’s say our hiker is motivated… and is willing to hike 8 hours per day. (Believe me, this is a really long day of hiking.) Good thru-hikers max out at 20 miles per day on the Appalachian trail. Many average 8-10 miles per day. (20 miles per day at 3 mph is 6.7 hours of hiking.)

How long does it take to hike around Earth?

24,901 miles / 2.5 mph = 9960.4 hours.

9960.4 hours / 24 hours per day = 415 days. Now that is hiking 24 hours per day. Let’s try the 8 hours / day.

9960.4 hours / 8 hours per day = 1245 days.

1245 days / 365 days per year = 3.4 years.

Well… how does that compare to the first person to ever walk across the Earth?

This guy walked 14,450 miles around the Earth, flying over the oceans. It took about 4 years. Sadly, his brother, who joined him for the journey, was shot and killed by bandits in Afghanistan. It is a compelling story and worth the short reading.

Ideal conditions might take you 3.4 years to walk across the circumference of Earth, with no days off. No days of rest. No sleeping off the hangover from fermented mare’s milk. No vacation. No sick days. But, if you just hiked weekdays (5 days / week & 52 weeks = 260 days / year. 1245 days / 260 days hiking per year = 4.8 years. This is more realistic. Let’s use this formula for hiking around the sun.

How long does it take to hike around the Sun?

2,713,406 miles / 2.5 mph = 1,085,362 hours.

1,085,362 hours / 8 hours per day = 135,670 days.

135,670 days / 260 day hiking per year (you know, weekends off, sick days, et cetera) = 521.8 years.

There you go (571.8 years / 67.2 years per human lifespan (in 2010 for the world) = 7.765 full lifespans)…. about 7-8 full lifespans to hike the circumference of the sun. Ah… but wait… that’s silly… you can’t hike when you are really young or old. Start when you are 11 years old (puberty-ish)… and hike until your body falls apart… maybe 60, if we are lucky? Yeah… and that gives them 7 years of retirement. That’s a pretty horrible life of 49 or so years of “work”. Let’s be kind to our solar hikers and say 40 years of hiking. Thus: 571.8 years / 40 years of work per lifespan = 14.295 lifespans. (This doesn’t really take into account child birth or child rearing. Apologies in advance.)

If you hiked your 40 years…

1. You
2. Your Child
3. Grand child
4. Great grand child
5. Great great grand child
6. Great great great grand child
7. Great great great great grand child
8. Great great great great great grand child
9. Great great great great great great grand child
10. Great great great great great great great grand child
11. Great great great great great great great great grand child
12. Great great great great great great great great great grand child
13. Great great great great great great great great great great grand child
14. Great great great great great great great great great great great grand child
15. Great great great great great great great great great great great great grand child. Yeah! Back where we started.

Might make better sense to have two children and send them off in opposite directions. Nearly the same result… only in half the time.

The post How Long Would it Take to Walk Across the Sun? appeared first on Jordan B. Bates.

Jesus had control over nature. He cursed trees and they withered. He walked on water. He fed thousands with just a few loaves of bread and a few fish. He calmed storms.

Jesus exorcised demons multiple times.

One must speculate, if Teh Gay was so abhorrent to Jesus/God, why would he not have cured that as well?

The post Jesus Curing Teh Gay appeared first on Jordan B. Bates.

Here’s the performance:

Find them on facebook: http://www.facebook.com/ournameisfun
Their website: http://ournameisfun.com/

The post Fun. (That’s the band’s name.) Performance on Conan! This is Awesome. appeared first on Jordan B. Bates.

A zombie enters town, looking for some brains and other fleshy parts of living human beings. He’d likely bite a person or two at the gas station right in town, or maybe head into the A & W if he could manage the doors. The cops show up, beat the zombie down, hand cuff him, and haul him off to jail. But, they two gentlemen who were bit at the station soon turn into zombies. The next person, a petite girl, comes into the store and gets bitten by the zombies, and, unfortunately for she gets eaten as well.

Population: Living population 1,497.  Zombies: 3. Really dead: 1.

Here is where our problem starts. The zombies eat the girls brains. She doesn’t rise up to haunt the night. A couple of teenage boys enter looking to score some beer. The store clerk is on the floor eating the last bits of the girls toes, but is having a hard time chewing because of the mass of hair caught in its throat. Eating brains is not easy. Stunned, the boys do nothing for a moment and the zombies turn to chase living flesh. The boys escape, but one is bitten, and the zombies are now walking the streets looking for them, or anything else.

The boy turns into a zombie and bites his friend, who by this point has grasped the situation, but can do nothing about turning into a zombie himself. He runs away from his zombie friend, but soon turns into a zombie himself. Eventually, the moaning of the zombies bring them together. Sort of like a seagulls screeching at each other when they find something good to eat.

Population: Living: 1,495. Zombies: 5 (1 is in jail). Dead as doornail: 1.

The four zombies stumble towards the bright lights of the grocery store. They freak a few people out in the parking lot. Honestly, four moaning weirdos really turns folks off. A couple minutes later they figure out the door is automatic. I say figure out, but it is sort of like a rock figuring out a river will make him smoother.

This only one cashier, of course, since it is a small town and people spend more money if they wait in line. The zombies descend upon the line of grocery shoppers. An old lady caught between two shopping carts and two of the zombies start in on eating her brains and other tender parts of her body. Which, lets be honest… old people are all tender parts. The zombies can crush a skull with little effort, so the brains are gone within a minute. The other two zombies are not so lucky. One grabs another lady and bites her, but her husband, a former linebacker punches it in the head. The forth zombie just gets caught up in a tangle of shopping carts of for sale items that aren’t really for sale, but with clever placement and a yellow sale make people think they are on sale.

Chaos seems to descend right? Not really, the people run from the store. Other folks in the store are not quite so lucky. Gawking at someone else’s tragedy is a basic human right. The two zombies finish with the old ladies brains and sense fresh brains get up and follow the third zombie after a mother with her child. The fourth zombie just thrashes about, covered in sticky soda.

The little girl is not as conditioned as her mother so she shrieks loudly and takes off. The mother, the epitome of Mid-Western sensibility starts to utter an apology for her daughter’s rude behavior, but the zombies get her and eat her brains.

The lady who was previously bitten turns a few minutes later and attacks her husband. He’s driving the car and 65mph down a back road. A moment later it is upside down and on fire. The wife does successfully eat her husband’s brains before the fire finally destroys her. Ironically, or perhaps just coincidentally, the husband had guessed his wife would kill him and eat his brains one day. He loved her just the same.

Population: Healthy.. well, generally overweight… population: 1,492. Zombies: 5. Dead like Michael Jackson: 5.

I haven’t been very clear. I’ll give you a hint in a moment. The four zombies eventually make it out of the grocery store a frustrating (for the zombies) and graceless roaming of the grocery store. The other shoppers fled, but no one remembered to call the cops, although there were some funny Facebook posts. The zombies move down the alley, moaning up a storm. The laundromat is closed, wouldn’t ya know it? Once never knows their hours.

A block away the zombies finally hit a human buffet. The local restaurant is just starting to pick up. If the zombies had any animal intelligence at all they’d go in separate doors. But, they have as much sense as teenage boy on the internet, so they all shuffle in the same door, momentarily wedging each other into a jam before spilling out into the room. A weathered local in a Carhart gives them a look. The couple nearest the door are quickly and a shocked moment passes before the zombies are attacked with butter knives and forks. One bold old lady smashes a plate across a zombie’s head, but only ends up cutting herself severely. Abruptly the melee madness over organic mixed greens with a cherry vinaigrette ends as the diners realize these are meth heads, or zombies. They flee, leaving behind the couple that were originally attacked and the old lady who cut herself. The zombies already had mouthfuls and only one of the survivors had been bitten.

The husband of the old couple was quite large, and shielded his wife from the secondary onslaught. His brains were quickly devoured, as were the old ladies who cut herself. But, the wife had already started to turn by the time the other zombies turned to eat her brain. And zombies are NOT cannibales, thank you very much. (Can-able, yes, with proper sterilization. Boil the packaged zombie meat in glass jars with loose lids for at least 60 minutes. Recipes to follow.)

One diner who had been bitten, but escape also begins to turn, but is quickly de-brained with a bent butter knife.

Population: Healthy, but needing a bit of sun, population: 1,480-something. Zombies: 6. Dead like Elvis overdosed on the toilet: 8. (Yeah, I confused my numbers, whatever.)

I’m sure we all imagine the great zombie apocalypse differently. However, what you may have not picked up from this rambling story is that zombies eat brains. Yet, you kill a zombie by destroying its brains (or possibly cutting of its head). So, for NEW zombies to be CREATED a human must be BITTEN and then ESCAPE.  If the human cannot escape they will have their brains eaten quickly, or if there are enough zombies they would eat guts and other fleshy parts as well. Human without brains means no zombie.

If the zombies aren’t crushed quickly, or if they hit a big enough crowd where they infect a lot of people quickly, but those people escape… it is possible to get a decent sized mob of zombies. But the mob itself would only generate more zombies if it found large groups of people. Nearly all other scenarios end with the humans being devoured.

A single zombie is dangerous, more likely to kill than create another zombie, but also much less likely to successfully attack someone as well… especially if it is known that zombies exist. Two zombies are a bit more likely to kill a person as one zombie, but the probably of creating another zombie is also increased, and the likelyhood of a successful attack on human is also increase.  I propose the follow:

Zombie(s) approaching to within a 5-yard radius.

As the group grows larger the likelihood of more zombies being created diminished greatly. We also have to assume that zombies will likely die from human violence visited upon them, as well as from natural, post-apocalyptic causes (fires, explosions, falling down manholes, wild dogs).

It seems clear that the average zombie “hoard” would number, on average, 21 zombies.

Now, of course you are asking, “what happens when two or more hoards meet up and create real hoards?” This would occur, but the main point is that, out of a 1,000 possible victims, you would only get about 21 or so zombies. The vast majority of people would be eaten, while many would escape.

So, maybe we’d see 30 or 40 zombies in my home town. That is a slow night for anyone with a half decent shot.

The post A major error in the design of zombies. appeared first on Jordan B. Bates.

The guy has major nerd credentials.  And he literally drives a De Lorean. It even has a Flux Capacitor. Not sure how this helps his writing, but since it took him ten or so years to finish his book, I’m guessing it would create more problems than it would solve.

Anyway, here is the story:

I drove up to Petoskey the other day since one my favorite authors was driving over from Wisconsin to help promote Cline’s new book (as well as sign some of his own books).

I do not like driving (but I’d probably love it if I had a De Lorean with a Flux Capacitor) so 2 hours feels like forever to me. I do not like crowds either (he is rather popular). And I hate being late. I don’t mention all this because I want to share this information, but to demonstrate how much I respect this author: I’ll drive hours through summer tourist traffic, show up nearly two hours early and awkwardly walk around the store while everyone is setting up, and then sit in a crowded bookstore and wait in line to get a signed book.

Sitting in my folding chair I begin to read Earnest’s book (Ready Player One if you’ve already forgotten). I make it to page 56 and then I am actually a bit disappointed to see the event is actually starting. Meanwhile, all sorts of nerds and nerds-posing-as-real-citizens (aka clean cut, nicely dressed) have filled all the seats and about 15 or so are standing in the back.

That’s right. I love the book from the start and I am actually annoyed that my favorite author is about to start cracking jokes, telling stories, and answer questions. Bravo Mr. Cline.

Did I mention he drove all the way from Texas in a De Lorean?  You know… the car from Back to the Future.

(You can see more photos of it at his blog: http://www.ernestcline.com/blog/.) It is worth mentioning that this guy got pulled over on his way to Michigan for not using his blinker when switching lanes (or something like that). The officer’s true reason was that he was driving a De Lorean. More officers came to take photos when they found out it has the Flux Capacitor.

Earnest also let people sit in the car and take photos. He also wrote the screenplay for Fanboys. It has now moved to the top of my to-watch list.

I drove back to home and then stayed up until 3:30 a.m. finishing the book. I give the book a hazy 5 stars out of 5 stars. I won’t go into details on the book other than to say if you enjoyed the video games, pop-culture, and other nerd-like things from the 80s (and 90s) and you enjoy science fiction then you will love this book.

The bookstore Mclean and Eakin hosted the event and did a wonderful job. You can even order online from them…  Ready Player One, The Name of the Wind (Patrick Rothfuss), and buy your eBooks.  All from an independent bookstore!

The post Ready Player One… appeared first on Jordan B. Bates.

Advantages:

• Can sun bathe and watch zombie destruction
• Piranhas are cool
• Easy to step up and adapt
• Doubles as mother-in-law trap

Disadvantages:

• Limited escape routes
• Limited capacity for zombie bodies (piranha get full)
• Splashing
• Feel sorry for zombies 
• Lots of digging

Other advantages or disadvantages?  Comment below….

The post How to Destroy Zombies with Piranhas (Design Plans) appeared first on Jordan B. Bates.

Stamp Tramps: the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

The post Stamp Tramps: the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly – Guest Blogging appeared first on Jordan B. Bates.

“Uh, err… what the hell are you doing here?”
“The fact is I am here, so let’s just deal with the facts. Another fact, you will abandon your experiment.”
“Security!”
“Sigh. That is not helpful.”
“Security? Hello? Hello? Anyone there? If you can hear me, I need help, someone broke into level 5 and is threatening to blow us up.”
“Excuse me? I said no such thing.”
“Just stay back!”
“Look, I understand I surprised you, but I mean you no harm. Quite the contrary.”
“How did you get in here?”
“I beamed in from spaceship. No, actually I can walk through walls. Wait, perhaps I teleported this time after drinking a really bad espresso in a cafe in Paris, just down the road a bit from the Arc de Triomphe.”
“Stop talking, I need to think. Think, Henry, think. It is not possible. Hallucination? Lack of sleep could cause Hallucinations.”
“Yes, I am a hallucination.”
“Right right. Can I get back to my work then? Maybe I’ll take a nap.”
“As I was saying… about your work that is…”
“Hmmm?”
“Your hypothesis is mostly correct, however, instead of a glimpse of the fourth dimension you will actually destroy one, or more, protons. And by destroy, I mean turn it into dark matter.”
“Why on Earth would I stop the experiment then? To finally have proof of dark matter, to study it… it would be the greatest discovery yet.”
“In the First Era the universe was pure matter. No dark matter. It looked as though the expanded Universe would stabilize and last for an infinity, or as close to one as it could possibly get. But, it was not to be. Those that knew better began to experiment, to push the boundaries of safe science. They were ignorant, at first, that is true, but later they were arrogant. How does someone measure the change of light matter to dark matter? It is hard, even for the most intelligent and learned creatures. And so, it was millions of years of consuming light matter, before we even hypothesized about what we were doing. But how could we stop? Galactic empire after galactic empire were powered by the consumption of light matter. But even after millions of years, not even the finest equipment could detect the minute percentage of dark matter in the universe. So, it continued and continued until…”
“Ha. Dark matter is 90-99 percent of universe, Hal. And there is plenty of regular old ‘light’ matter to go around.”
“Cute, but I haven’t finished. Your experiment will split the ‘God Particle’ into two dimensions. This dimension will lose mass. The energy then comes from that particle stopping completely relative to everything else in the universe.”
“And? Whatever… you obviously are taking this somewhere. The flaws in your logic are… almost nauseating, but continue.”
“Probably from your lack of eating. I could finish that sandwich for you…”
“Sure.”
“Pretty good. A little too much rye in the bread for my tastes, but a sandwich eaten is a sandwich earned. Let’s say you have this satellite, such as the moon, traveling around a planet. Now it is traveling at pretty good clip… gravity pulling it towards the planet, inertia pulling it away from the planet, and so forth. Now, what would happen if you took away half its mass, and then all of its velocity. It stopped dead in space.”
“It would sort of ‘fall’ to the planet… or wait, it would either be left behind since the planet and the moon are traveling through space at a pretty good clip. Or if it were in the path of the planet, it would crash right into the planet… but we are talking about particles.”
“The moon has gravity as well, so let’s assume it is behind the planet. It would still pull on the planet, causing it to wobble slightly, or greatly depending on the size ratios. Either way, you get the general picture. When you smash these protons, the particles look like they disappear, but in reality, they are thousands of miles behind you in space where they suddenly stopped.”
“I still don’t see a problem with this.”
“You have a big explosion in a vacuum. It spreads and spreads. The explosion is just powerful enough to spread everything out just barely far enough away that never pulls itself back together to the center.”
“Wait. You are saying that the Big Bang has happened more than once? And the last time it exploded… this First Era… and you destroyed a small percentage of the Universe’s mass … and thus energy, if you will… meaning the light matter couldn’t escape the the massive pull back towards center… a Big Implosion.”
“Correct.”
“But, the universe is 90-some percent dark matter. What happens to it during the Big Bang?”
“It stays as dark matter. There is no rescuing it from the split dimensions. But it acts similar to light matter of equal weight… more or less.”
“How could you consume so much light matter. Even over a billion years, you couldn’t assume even a few percentages of light matter. Without a super computer, I couldn’t even calculate what it would take to change the course, but it would be massive.”
“Don’t forget that time is on the side of the Implosion. We consumed 1/10 of 1 percent of the known light matter, before we realized what was happening. But it was too late.”
“But… that means…”
“Countless Big Bangs have occurred. Each time we have tried to stop the destruction, each time we’ve failed. There are only handful of us left. And only a fleeting handful of light matter is left. It is still too large for the few of us to cover. But there is hope. You humans… you are early… very early in the life of this universe. Although it takes less and less to trigger the Implosion.”
“How did you survive?”
“Machines and technology that uses the same principle. We sit at the edge of the Universe as it begins to reverse. Using massive amounts of energy we are able expel ourselves further from the core. When we run out of most the energy, we get pulled back in… a few reactions and viola… our mass is reduced, and or velocity is halted. Eventually the mass of the Universe is so far away, it takes only a little power to remain free from its grip. Life begins, generally, around the same time and develops into civilizations, empires, and galactic empires at a fairly constant rate. It isn’t a matter of going into the future so much as moving to the place in space and waiting for matter to catch us. We then monitor for life.”
“But you must be millions of years old…”
“I’d guess more in the thousands. We don’t sit and wait around for millions of years at a time. And time is … ephemeral … so yeah, we are old. There is some evidence, as well, that dark matter existed before us, so it is clear we were not the first.”
“I think I understand, although it makes no sense that matter would stabilize in any way conductive to life. Would it not eventually stop?”
“Maybe. Although it is unlikely. It is more likely it turns into its own version of a ‘solar’ system. That’s the most likely model.”
“You don’t know? Perhaps we are here because other beings were smart enough to ‘destroy’ matter. Otherwise we would entropy, die, and be lifeless matter for the rest of eternity.”
“Yes. Perhaps.”
“Then why would I listen to you?”
“Because, this may be the last chance anyhow. 99.8 percent dark matter in the universe.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“I know.”
“What do you really look like? Can you show me?”
“I look like a turtle.”
“You do?”
“No.”
“Oh.”
“More like a cow.”
“Meat?”
“Yeah, sort of like Kobe beef.”
“Really?”
“No. Anyway, here’s a zip drive I got for free from attending some conference on climate change. You’ll find the information helpful: a new form of energy that you will probably end up using to destroy yourselves. But, honestly, that’s better than the alternative.”
“Hmmm. OK. Any more advice?”
“Wear more hats.”

The post Does it Matter? appeared first on Jordan B. Bates.

All set?

I don’t believe you.

Whatever.

ALOL.

Yep. Believe it.  Just add an A!  Oh, what does it mean?   ALMOST LAUGHED OUT LOUD!  Clever right?  Because it works on so many levels: a sincere assessment of the level of humor in any specific moment…  e.g.  “Wow, that was really funny.  I almost laughed out loud, which I never do.”  There is also the sarcasm element:  “Wow, that was really funny.  I almost laughed out loud it was so funny. “

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I’ll put on some tea.

Oh, you aren’t staying long?

….

….

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